Be on the lookout for the conversation killer – death.
Why are people afraid of death? Ever want to kill a conversation, just bring up someone who is dying of cancer, or the time you had to fly for 6 hours to turn off the life support for your mother-in-law. No one really wants to hear about it. They all want to tell you how sorry they are once and that should be good enough. Stop grieving and move on.
But for those of us left behind, it’s not that easy. It’s not that I want to dwell on death but at the same time, whether you spend 16 years or 16 weeks or 1 lifetime loving someone, you don’t just “get over it” in a day. I still mourn the loss of my best friend and she’s been gone for over two years. At times I find myself missing my grandpas, my step-mom and I feel cheated that my mother-in-law passed away just weeks after I was married. I had only met her once but would have liked to have gotten to know her better.
I feel that death and mortality are taboo subjects in today’s society. Is it because we don’t want to think about our own inevitable death? We talk about our health all the time but we don’t talk about death – unless you are a Goth or some sort of satanic devil worshiper (at least that’s what society perceives). Death is a normal process in life; we sometimes feel that it comes too soon and sometimes not soon enough. But everyone has to die at sometime. Why is it such a bad thing to talk about death? Is it really that morbid of a subject? Is it because nobody wants to think about it, therefore possibly denying the inevitable? Is it because people are afraid that if you break down, they might have to comfort you? God forbid, they may have to invest a moment or two into your life and your feelings.
I was surprised that when I came back to work after taking almost 2 weeks off to take care of my dying friend that only two people said or did anything. I got 1 hug and a card with a gift. I didn’t need anyone to fawn over me nor did I need to be showered with sympathy cards but it would have been nice to have people say “I’m sorry for your loss or condolences or let me know if you need to talk” or something. What I got was mostly awkward silences. It was like I was a conversation killer just by entering a room. “Oh there’s the one who just lost her best friend to cancer, shhhhhhh”. What did they think that I was going to do, start bawling uncontrollably and curl up in a ball on the ground saying “why, why, why”? Perhaps it was just best to avoid the whole uncomfortable situation and just be polite, pleasant and quick. And who was this best for? Anyone who didn’t want to deal with something that was not their problem!
Now, more than two years later, I feel like I need to deal with it on my own, that people are going to think that I’m obsessed because I still want to talk about her. And yes, sometimes I do still cry, I can’t help it; she was a great friend that shared a huge part of my life. So what now? I just want people to be more compassionate, to try to take a moment or two to comfort someone who has lost a loved one, take a moment and ask them how they are feeling and if they want to talk or cry or whatever. There is no time limit for grief, some people move on quickly while other hold on for years. I deal with it everyday in my own way and I will be fine but it definitely has made me more aware of how the grief process works and I hope that I am more compassionate person than I was before. So talk to me about death and how you’re feeling as you are missing your loved one anytime.
Why are people afraid of death? Ever want to kill a conversation, just bring up someone who is dying of cancer, or the time you had to fly for 6 hours to turn off the life support for your mother-in-law. No one really wants to hear about it. They all want to tell you how sorry they are once and that should be good enough. Stop grieving and move on.
But for those of us left behind, it’s not that easy. It’s not that I want to dwell on death but at the same time, whether you spend 16 years or 16 weeks or 1 lifetime loving someone, you don’t just “get over it” in a day. I still mourn the loss of my best friend and she’s been gone for over two years. At times I find myself missing my grandpas, my step-mom and I feel cheated that my mother-in-law passed away just weeks after I was married. I had only met her once but would have liked to have gotten to know her better.
I feel that death and mortality are taboo subjects in today’s society. Is it because we don’t want to think about our own inevitable death? We talk about our health all the time but we don’t talk about death – unless you are a Goth or some sort of satanic devil worshiper (at least that’s what society perceives). Death is a normal process in life; we sometimes feel that it comes too soon and sometimes not soon enough. But everyone has to die at sometime. Why is it such a bad thing to talk about death? Is it really that morbid of a subject? Is it because nobody wants to think about it, therefore possibly denying the inevitable? Is it because people are afraid that if you break down, they might have to comfort you? God forbid, they may have to invest a moment or two into your life and your feelings.
I was surprised that when I came back to work after taking almost 2 weeks off to take care of my dying friend that only two people said or did anything. I got 1 hug and a card with a gift. I didn’t need anyone to fawn over me nor did I need to be showered with sympathy cards but it would have been nice to have people say “I’m sorry for your loss or condolences or let me know if you need to talk” or something. What I got was mostly awkward silences. It was like I was a conversation killer just by entering a room. “Oh there’s the one who just lost her best friend to cancer, shhhhhhh”. What did they think that I was going to do, start bawling uncontrollably and curl up in a ball on the ground saying “why, why, why”? Perhaps it was just best to avoid the whole uncomfortable situation and just be polite, pleasant and quick. And who was this best for? Anyone who didn’t want to deal with something that was not their problem!
Now, more than two years later, I feel like I need to deal with it on my own, that people are going to think that I’m obsessed because I still want to talk about her. And yes, sometimes I do still cry, I can’t help it; she was a great friend that shared a huge part of my life. So what now? I just want people to be more compassionate, to try to take a moment or two to comfort someone who has lost a loved one, take a moment and ask them how they are feeling and if they want to talk or cry or whatever. There is no time limit for grief, some people move on quickly while other hold on for years. I deal with it everyday in my own way and I will be fine but it definitely has made me more aware of how the grief process works and I hope that I am more compassionate person than I was before. So talk to me about death and how you’re feeling as you are missing your loved one anytime.
posted by Michelle at 10:08 AM
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